Dentophobia

While public speaking is certainly up there on my list of discomforts, something I really hate is going to the dentist. I get so nervous going to the dentist! Why is it? Do I feel guilty for neglecting my gums? Is it that spine chilling sound of surgical steel scraping the back of my teeth or the piercing cry of the drill? Am I afraid of the pain? Do I hate the smell? Do I feel uncomfortable while people look up my nose and stick their hands in my mouth? Well, yes on all accounts.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for dentists' skills, knowledge, and equipment to help prevent my teeth from falling out, but if there was a soundtrack to represent my true feelings towards a dentist appointment, it sure wouldn't be that Muzak playing over their loudspeakers.

Today I went to the dentist after having not been in over a year. Every time I go to the dentist I feel that I have to defend my dental care habits; and it was no different with this new dentist—a complete stranger. With that blinding spotlight in my eye and masked face hovering over me, I feel like I’m pleading my case before a judge. Of course I target the blame of any hygiene flaws away from me…defective toothbrush, cheap toothpaste, playing ignorant (“What? Flossing is a daily activity? Who knew?”), deceptive marketing from sugary snack companies, etc. The dentist just looks at me hiding behind his mask, but I know what he’s thinking. “This guy doesn’t deserve teeth.” I’m then lectured on the importance of gum care and how I need to replace everything in my mouth or upgrade any existing dental work. Where have I heard this before? Oh, yeah, when I took my car in for maintenance. Fortunately, however, I have no cavities and my existing dental work should hold together for a while.

I leave with a sore jaw and grainy tooth polish residue in my mouth, since the whole "rinse and spit" routine is never enough to clear my mouth. In fact, all I can do is leave a trail of spit dangling from the sink to my napkin necklace like a dribbled spider web. Why is it that I can gurgle and spit like a pro at home, but at the dentist, I am completely unable to coordinate an elegant spit? Well, at least I don't have to come back for shots and drilling!

I did think it was funny that the dentist strongly recommended I buy a fancy mechanical toothbrush that costs nearly $200 as it’s necessary for super clean teeth, but then gives me a cheap, no frills, free toothbrush as I walk out the door. Maybe I’m supposed to use it to polish my super duper expensive toothbrush.